I had pretty bad anxiety today too. Honestly it comes and goes, theres times when i feel like im fine and maybe i was making a big deal out of things and the next im anxious and i feel gross and judged and im scared of what others would think.

I keep having disgusting and shameful intrusive thoughts, mainly focusing around my mom. Sexual thoughts about her and about her (or her and i) eating feces and bestiality etc, etc. Basically everythig i find gross or disturbing + sexual thoughts + my mom. And i know i sort of think them on purpose to torture myself or whatever and i just have to will them to go away bc im in control of my own mind but its hard.
I feel bad about being distant with her bc i constantly feel weird and uncomfortable due to all these thoughts and i just wanna be left alone.
So as if POCD wasnt bad enough i also apparently have incest ocd and bestiality ocd (if thats even a thing).

I feel like im seeking reassurance more than anything. Like i just want people to tell me im not a disgusting person and they dont want me dead and i can be forgiven.

And a huge part of me thinks maybe i wouldnt even care about having been turned on by incest or pedophillia or bestiality if people didnt look down on it and i wasnt so terrified of being hated and an outcast and thats scary.

There were times when i actually thought that pedophillia wasnt bad if the minor was truly ok with it (though that was probably bc as a child discovering my sexuality i liked being “jailbait” and for older ppl to be attracted to me due to my bad self esteem), or i thought bestiality was ok as long as the animal wasnt being hurt or forced (and it took a lot of thinking to understand that its bad bc youre using an innocent creature that only mates to breed for your pleasure without them being able to consent so it doesnt matter if they werent hurt or forced, or at least thats the conclusion i got to), or that incest is ok as long as its not rape (i mean 99% of cases *are* rape or manipulation, i guess its not wrong exactly if its on that 1% but its still gross).

Theres times when i also think like “what if we were still in a society that thought pedophillia was normal, would i be attracted to children then? would i *want* to live in that lind of society just to feel less guilty?”.

I hate that ive had all these thoughts and i hate that the only reason i might feel bad is bc it occured to me how gross everything i did was when i said it out loud and i started wondering what people would think.

Anyways. On the brighter side of things, i can still enjoy my japanese class. And im trying to get back into anime, though its hard not to feel ashamed when i look at cjaracters and think about how past me would have sexualized them. Of course im staying away from l*li/sh*ta type characters but even watching highschool anime makes me feel weird even though i just graduated last year.
I still feel like i cant enjoy things like i used to, ive been wanting to listen to one of my favorite songs but i dont want to “taint” it with the memory of having listened to it during the time i doubted whether i was a pedophille or a zoophille or attracted to family members. Same thing with my favorite games.

The one thing that has made me feel better during this whole thing are other people going through the same thing in forums like these. It makes me feel so much more normal knowing that others experience these kind of things too, though i do envy the ones where you can tell 100% its all in their heads and they didnt do anything wrong bc i feel like i totally did.

I feel like i keep waiting for that feeling of relief. Like that “Ohh i was just being dumb and exaggerating and none of what i did was wrong, how stupid of me to worry about that”. But when it doesnt come bc i did in fact did many things wrong i feel worse again.

Anyways, i dont think anyones reading these things but i hope everyone is doing well, or at least better than yesterday.

I am a 31 year old guy, married struggling with depression and identity issues.
I spent today sniffing speed and masturbating.
I finished work at 6.30 am, i had been sniffing cocaine since 2am, the shift was a real battle, the cocaine was a terrible idea. *mod edit*
home alone, i immediately grabbed the laptop, i masturbated for 10 minutes and finished to a webcam girl, then i thought i was done for the day. but i really wasnt.
i sniffed more, masturbated more. *mod edit*
i showered and meditated on the bed.
the meditation was fantastic, i went to my centre, a place i used to go as a teen in the woods near my childhood home *mod edit*
i smoked more, i sniffed more.
i should have been sleeping because im in work tonight at 10 and i have no idea how im going to survive it.
i have given myself so much pleasure today at the cost of a truly gruelling work situation.
i feel good about this, though its probably the speed.
almost every second i am turning sexual thoughts over in my head.
i cant turn them off, even diverting my thoughts doesnt work.
i'm not asking for anything, i just wanted to share.
this side of me is completely hidden from everyone who knows me, including my wife.
now whoever reads this will know how i am too.

Hi there!
20 year old girl looking for some guidance.
I have a history of mental health issues but have never been diagnosed with anything. My dad has Tourettes with ocd and my sister has anxiety disorder. We all take prozac for our anxieties though im not diagnosed. I have tendencies toward ocd, Aspergers, anxiety, and eating disorders but do not fit a particular box. Im going to list my obscure quirks based on which issue I think they fit and hopefully someone can help me if they relate or understand!

OCD Tendencies:
I have an intense fear of germs, but only human germs. Im fine with the ocean, dirt, or sand etc as long as I can wash my hands after but I can't touch doorknobs, money, etc without washing my hands IMMEDIATELY. The strange thing is I don't obsess over what these germs will do to me, like I don't think ill get sick or die or anything, I can just "feel" the germ on my hand or body and it drives me crazy until I wash it off. If I touch something really dirty, I have to wash my hands 3 times for the dirty feeling to go away.

When i was about 5 my ocd tendencies started to come out and it manifested in me being afraid of germs and dead things. Dead things WERE dirty to me. I stopped eating meat. I put my favorite toys on a high shelf and refused to play with them because I didnt want to get them dirty. I washed my hands until they’d bleed and i had to wear socks on them. Since spiders killed things, they became the dirtiest thing in the world to me. If a spider touched something, I couldnt touch that thing unless it was washed. My parents got me a “cleaning spray” (which i now suspect was just water) to spray things so i could touch them again. When I was six, a butterfly died in our hallway and got covered in ants. I had to leap over that spot in the hallway because I couldn’t touch it, and I did that until we moved out of that house 2 years later. I had meltdown after meltdown because I found out the seats in my car were made of leather.

I still can’t touch anything if a spider has walked on it. I live in the forest, so they are always in my home. I wear shoes and socks in the house because I can’t touch the floor. If something falls on the ground I either throw it away or have to pick it up with gloves and wash it. I know this is irrational and there is no fear driving it, but if I touch any place a spider has been or if a spider touches me i have to scrub and scrub my body… this is very exhausting.

Because of this I get overwhelmed by small tasks. My dad used to always get mad at me because I would leave the fridge door open when Id take something out of it, until I finally explained that I have to use my shirt to open the door and its very difficult because sometimes I accidentally touch the door and have to wash my hands again...etc. If i drop something on the floor in my house now I usually leave it there because otherwise I’d have to get gloves, pick it up, wash it, then wash my hands.. Etc.

Un-identified Tendencies:
I hate eye contact. It feels so unnatural to me, I usually avoid it unless I know its important (job interview, date, etc) and then I have to purposefully hold my gaze and focus on looking attentive. I often stop paying attention to what people are saying because I’m focusing so hard on looking like I’m paying attention (lol). I hate sitting across from people because eye contact, I always make my boyfriend sit next to me at restaurants.

I have trouble with personal space/boundaries. In lines I always get too close to people without realizing, my boyfriend has to pull me away/remind me to give people space.

If I get excited about something, I talk very very loudly without noticing. I always have to be reminded to stop yelling..

I am super clumsy and awkward. I am ALWAYS bumping into things/dropping things.. Especially in the morning.

My sister and boyfriend recently told me that people often think I am a bitch when they first meet me because of my humor. I have a super blunt/...

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Hi, this will be my first post on here and I really need some advice or help and I’m beyond desperate. My mother is a shoplifter, and I’m only a teenager and I’m the only one in the family that knows and I’m scared to go anywhere with her because I know she will steal items.

So basically since before I can remember, my Mom would steal things. Mainly it was groceries (she would get plastic reusable bags and bag everything up in an empty aisle and walk out looking like she payed) and I remember watching her do this when I was around 5 and not realizing it was stealing. I didn’t realize until i was around 7. She wouldn’t just steal groceries tho, she would steal perfume, lotion, makeup, shoes and other goods. This is where it gets a bit complicated, after doing this for years, she got caught around 2years ago and was put on house arrest, I am the only person who knows that she has ever shoplifted/ that she was on House Arrest. At the time, she told me she had a disorder and was going to seek treatment, but she never did. After she attempted a fake 2 minute apology for years of emotional distress, I sort of forgave her. I know it seems impossible but deep down inside, i wanted to believe that she just made a mistake and that everything was going to stop. And for a little bit, it did. I didn’t really see her take anything and I thought she was better, until she started again. One day we were at the store and I saw some stuff she stuffed into her purse and I couldn’t take it and ran out of the store into the car. She then came into the car after finishing shopping, and flipped out. She kept on pressing me to tell her what made we leave and sorta came off scary when she began listing off random reasons I ran out, (Did you see your crush? Did something happen on Instagram? Etc) then she got this overly confused (and sort of scary) exaggerated face and went, “is it because of ME?” I just kept on saying no to everything she said cause I didn’t know what else to say. Things have just gotten worst from there, one time I was in the store with her (cause she manipulated me to go with her I didn’t want to) and I was walking behind her and she started getting REALLY mad at me for no reason. She said “stop stalking me you weirdo” and “go find this random thing, NOW”. I just walked a few feet away and I kept my eye on her and she went into an empty aisle and shoved some stuff into her purse. When we were waking out the alarm thing went off and my heart sank but nothing happened, we just kept walking and no one realized. In the past months or so she has appeared with new makeup and luxury soap and lotion and all this crap, and she has come home with groceries in reusable bags, meaning she stole it. Recently she noticed I was getting extremely distant from her (and I think rightfully so),and we had “a talk”. after prying for ever, I told her it was because of her taking stuff and she took a FIRM position that she hasn’t taken anything since she was on House Arrest and that she only stole stuff in the first place because she was “desperate” and didn’t have money, however that’s a straight lie. We aren’t by any means super well off, but when she started stealing my Dad had a great job and we were going on vacations to Disneyland, Las Vegas and California. Not to mention my grandparents are relatively well off and would help us out if we really were that “desperate”. Anyways, she started pathetically crying SWEARING she hadn’t done anything, but I know for a fact she has. That night I went to a friends house and she sent me an angry text saying I was going to start showing her respect “and stop treating her like a thief” BUT SHE IS ONE. Now, we are in an awkward position, and it’s extremely complicated because she’s my mom and I want to love her and sometimes we get along sort of (it sounds crazy I know) but I’m starting to come to a breaking point. Thank you so much if you’ve read all of this.
I’m currently crying while typing this, it probably ...

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Okay so I know this is going to be a lot to take in.. but take it in small peices.
Okay so first off some backstory:
Hi.. You can call me Katie, im a teenager and having a lot of trouble in my home life, I have a boyfriend who threatens to kill himself a lot and my dads an alcoholic, he is a recovering addict, and he once cheated on my mom. My mom on the other hand has horrible depression and anxiety. She said I could tell her if I was ever struggling with mental health but it's going to take me awhile to tell them. The way I combat these feelings I get about my family and friends is I self harm...a lot, don't eat, stay up late, and convice myself I'm okay when I'm not. Just tonight I cut about *mod edit* times on each arm.. I'm not sure how to help myself stop it I want to..
What I'm on here for:
I want to figure out ways to stop cutting and to tell my parents about cutting, my anxiety, and my depression. I have some friends I've told and they gave me some ideas I just want to be able to stop cutting before I tell them. I feel like I am insane and should be in a mental hospital because of the thoughts that run through my mind.
Next is I'll give you some things I thought of tonight:
I thought for a long time about suicide and on why I shouldn't. I should be dead, I was a mistake. Why am I here just to get screwed over? why isn't it over. Why is anyone my friend I'm not a good friend. Why does anyone trust me. Why shouldn't I be dead. I miss my grandma I should see him (His story will be next) Why can't I tell my parents. I can't even tell my friends the whole truth.
My grandpas story:
When I was 2-3 We rushed to my grandparents house. My grandpa was about to die and he was waiting for me. When we showed up I ran inside and gave him a huge hug the help his hand kissing it once in awhile. I remember him shutting his eyes and everyone pushing me out of the way. I was really confused and he was rushed out the door (for now on this is my kid mind till the ☆ comes) He was put onto a stretcher and pushed over a green crayon colored in hill with flowers over it, over the meadow and off to the distance. ☆ I wasn't sure what my kid mind thought but thats one thing that's always been my trigger is someone saying something horrible about their grandparents because I didn't know my grandpa well but he was and always will be a huge influence on my life.
Oh my lord if you read all of that thanks haha its a lot to take in and shouldn't be digested all at one time. Thank you so much again I just kinda needed to organize my thoughts.